How’s my Summer?

Well, it’s week 5 of summer and I am…

“No, you cannot play the iPad.”

It’s week 5 of summer, and I’m having a hard time…

“Because it’s 6:15 in the morning. It’s too early to play the iPad.”

Where was I? Oh, right. Here we are. Week 5 of summer, and I’m finding…

“Say the word iPad again and you will lose electronics for the entire week.”

It’s week 5 of summer, and I haven’t hit my stride. I keep waiting to…

“No snack right now.”

Sorry. What was I saying? Hitting my stride, right. I keep waiting to settle into…

“You just ate breakfast. That’s why.”

So, I haven’t settled into any sort of…

“Oreos are not a snack.”

We haven’t settled into any sort of routine. And it’s making…

“Please stop hiding behind doors and scaring your brothers.”

The lack of routine is starting to make me feel like…

“No, it’s not funny. Not for anyone but you. That makes it a bad joke.”

The lack of routine is making me feel like I’m losing my mind. I keep thinking…

“Please stop making those fart noises at the breakfast table.”

What was I saying again? I’m losing my mind. Right. I keep thinking that I will hit my…

“Because farting and fart noises are bad manners. I am raising you to have good manners.”

Every time I think that I’ve hit my stride, something happens to make… `

“I don’t know if Dad’s farts are loud because he eats green beans. I do know that I asked you to stop talking about farts at the breakfast table.”

Let me try this again. I’m a silver linings…

“Please don’t hiss at your brother.”

I’m a silver linings kinda girl. And when I say…

“Please don’t bark at your brother.”

At least, I consider myself a silver linings kinda…

“Put down the baton right now.”

I like to think of myself as a silver linings kinda girl. The type of…

“Put down the baton. And please put your pants back on.”

The type of person who looks for the best…

“Thank you for putting down the baton. You may not go outside onto the trampoline.”

What I mean when I say silver linings is I try to see the best in…

“Not until you put on underwear.”

To find the best in situations. To seek out…

“Because it’s against the law to be naked outside. And jail is not a fun place.”

Sure, I vent to…

“I think it’s OK to be naked outside in Europe. Just not in America.”

What was I saying? Venting. Right. Naturally, I vent to my girl…

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

I vent to my girlfriends. But, for the most part…

“If lava was on your foot, it would burn you. Yes.”

For the most part, I try to find the silver lining in every situation. And…

“You don’t have to worry about lava on your foot.”

I try to see the silver lining in every situation. And I look for the best in people. At least I hope…

“Because we don’t live close to any volcanoes. That’s why.”

I hope that I am that type of person. The kind who brings a smile…

“I don’t know what would happen if you had no toes.”

What the fuck was I saying? Do I make people smile? I hope that…

“You wouldn’t die if you had no toes. But you would probably have a hard time walking because toes help with our balance.”

Did I finish my silver linings thought? Goddamn, I can’t even finish one…

“Maybe. Maybe you would die if you had no toes, couldn’t keep your balance, fell off a high ladder, and landed on your head. Maybe you would die.”

Can I finish one bloody thought, for crying out loud? Just one fucking thought is all I’m…

“OK, fine. You would die. You would die if you had no toes.”

Howsmysummer

Oh, fuck it.

“Boys, have you all forgotten?”

There is no silver lining.

“Santa is watching.”

I am in hell.

“What do you mean you think I’m Santa?”

How many more days until school starts?

54 thoughts on “How’s my Summer?

    • I will take the ticket please. Or earplugs. Send earplugs. And duct tape. That too. Thanks for reading, Michelle!

  1. BAAAAAHAHHHHAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAA (gasp) (snort) BAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHHAA (peeing my pants…for reals)

    I was just saying to my BFF, that I have not been able to sit down and write a grocery list, let alone a blog post! LOVE THIS!

    I am sharing the f outta this! Too funny.

    • Thank you! I can’t finish anything! I can’t read. I can’t write. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. Dying.

  2. Omg the iPads….they can’t get brain damage from candy crush right? It’s a puzzle…they’re using their brains…..! Missed your posts!

    • Maybe I should turn them on to Candy Crush. The iPads are like crack. Crack is whack, and I don’t wanna do it. But. I. Just. Can’t. Stop.

  3. Its really only been 5 weeks!?! It feels like it been 25 weeks. I’m going to duct tape these fighting boys together and toss them in the attic! Wait… I don’t have an attic! Fuck!!! Glad I’m not the only one that can’t get ANYTHING done with 4 boys running around!!!! Thank you for this I laughed my butt off

    • I can’t finish a thought with all of them here. And I want to spend meaningful time with them. And share a moment with each of them every day. 5 weeks in, and I’ve got maybe 2 meaningful moments overall. I suck at summer.

      • I know what you mean… I have been trying to do the same thing… Took them camping last weekend for 3 days. The most memorable thing that happened??? The one thing that will forever be drilled into my memory… Watching my toddler go headfirst into the lake. I got him out in about half a second and he was no worse for wear. But seriously, it was not what i had hoped it would be. So i can safely say that i am with you and i also suck at summer!

        • Ahhhh! That’s terrible! Those are the nightmares I have right as I drift off to sleep. I don’t get anxious about much. But right as I’m falling asleep, that’s when it seeps in. Visions of one of my kids running into the street and getting hit by a car. Terrible. Sadly, I’m almost ready to wander into the street myself if being in the hospital gives me a few days’ break from everyone.

  4. This was me this morning! I have 2 extra kids on Tuesdays. Trying to pack a bag of snacks, get mail ready for the post office and balance my check book… We had a very silent ride to the library with one holding back tears (two if you count me because I didn’t have time to stop for ice coffee) on the way to reading at the library… Wouldn’t miss it. 40 minutes to sit in quiet!! That’s the only way I got to read your post! If they sold Coffee or tequila, I’d never leave.

    P.S. Check the library near you!!!

    • I should be at every story time. In every library. Unfortunately, like a buffoon, I am at swim practice every day with the Interrogator. It is a bigger commitment than my marriage.

    • They. Are. Killing. Me. Although one is harder than more than one. Because they entertain one another once you have more than one. Thanks for reading!

  5. Nailed it on the head. Baby #3 is due in 6 days. I’m overly prepared, secretly praying that my ‘hospitalication’ will start early. I want a volume button on my boys (twin 3 – very 3 – year olds). I want to bottle and legally consume their energy. I want the fighting to stop. I want the whining to stop. I want the swelling and pain in my right big toe to go away even though kicking (I mean ‘running into’) the stool was the result of my own damn tantrum. Karma. I want them to understand why we don’t drag forks acros the wooden dining room table; why they don’t need to tell me they need a peach for snack 1,457 times; why we don’t go downstairs at 3:31am; why we don’t close the van doors with feet and lock me out; why the damn Christmas music needs to be turned down a bit in July; why we don’t beat brothers with plastic bats; why thunder is just a noise and wont hurt us and yes our house is as sturdy as the brick house in the Three Little Pigs story; why it’s not the best idea to go down the slide backwards and upside down; and why it drives me nuts that one son is still peeing on the floor, on the driveway, on a chair, and anywhere but the toilet. 5 weeks into summer, but 2 years till elementary school starts:)

    • Oh, sweet Jesus, Mama. I feel for you. You are in the thick of it. First and foremost, 3 year old boys are assholes. That’s universally understood. So, you have that times two. And a newborn in a number of days…try to deliver at 12:01AM so you can get an extra day at the hospital;-)

      The peeing everywhere is an epidemic. I told my guys that the next time I have to dole out a punishment, I’m going to make the violator scrub the outside of the toilet bowl. Because that’s where they pee. All around it. Rarely inside it. The waft of urine hits you as you walk upstairs to the 2nd floor. It seems only to phase me. Thank God the next one is a girl!!!

  6. I have three boys, 6, 23 mo, and 2 mo. Only one of them can ask me incessant questions like the lava and toes questions above, but I only made it two days into summer before wishing for a time machine just to get to the fall, or maybe to travel back in time and convince myself to get a dog instead of kids…one or the other.

    • I seriously thought something was wrong with me last month. Why an I so tense? Why am I so edgy? I just realized its because I hate summer. I love my kids. Love. Love. Love. But 16 consecutive hours with one of them in my grill 7 days a week for 3 straight months is unhealthy all around.

      Dogs…even with the barking…don’t ask any questions. That sounds like perfection right now.

      Thanks for reading! Hope you’re sleeping!!

  7. I cannot stop laughing. My husband found this and we could not stop as this is our life right now exactly down to the iPad requests at 530 am to the threatening losing electronics for a week to the trampoline requests to reassuring we are not in any danger of volcanos because we don’t live near them. Love this! I’ve never posted on someone’s blog before but I could not believe this didn’t come straight from our house! Thanks for the laugh!

    • Thanks to you and your husband for reading!! I swear I could make a variation of this post every day of the summer. And parents everywhere would relate to it. I. Suck. At. Summer.

  8. I never show my Hubby blog posts because he just rolls his eyes. I HAD to show him this one, and he actually cracked a smile. You made my Hubby crack a smile! I loved this so much because as someone above said – IT”S TRUE! I’ve been late everywhere we’ve gone this summer because I just cannot get in the shower. “Mom, can I have . . .” “Mom, will you get me . . .” It’s constant. Thanks for the laugh! I’m sharing.

    • Kathy, I forced my husband to read this one. He rolled with laughter. Again, bcuz it’s true. Possibly bcuz he is at work, uninterrupted, while I claw my way through the dog days of summer. Thanks for reading!!

  9. My neighbor is a friend of yours and told me about your blog. This post is my life! Was just trying to write a post on my own blog and cannot finish one single thought. Why did I not sign them up for summer camp!!??

    • I just texted my Mom this morning, “don’t give me birthday presents. Don’t give me Christmas presents. Pay for these children to go to camp next summer. Or visit me in jail. That is all.” Sweet Jesus, it’s a nightmare, isn’t it? Thanks for reading!! And who is your friend?

  10. I’m not even in the thick of this summer craziness…but it is certainly on my horizon. I had a long day today with my two boys…11 months and 27 months…and I desperately needed this SMILE. I will now be putting all spare change into a “summer camp fund” – effective immediately!!

    • Typing my reply to you with a 7 year old laying on my forearm. Keeping the sisterhood strong. Thx for reading, Jessica!

  11. You’ve captured what it’s like to be inside a mom’s head, which my sister once described as “someone shoving an radio inside my head that I can’t turn off.” or maybe an episode of The Three Stooges. 😉 On the bright side, your days are a wealth of story-starting brilliance. Thanks for sharing, Bethany!

  12. I literally just finished reading your contribution to I Just Want to Pee Alone, and I could not stop laughing. I had to get on the computer and head straight over here, and this post popped up and again, I could not stop laughing. I’m not just saying that because that’s what people say…I’m saying it because it’s true. YOU’VE just earned yourself a total blogstalker, my friend!!

  13. Your blog is fantastic!! Sitting here reading this cracking up. This is so my life;) I can totally relate. Thanks for keeping it real.

    • Thank you, Amy! Thank God there are other parents who can relate. We are officially halfway through summer in our house today.

  14. Oh, I am so with you. I am SO with you!! I haven’t finished a thought in six weeks, and if I was paid for all the refereeing I’ve been doing, I’d have a nice little nest egg that I would be dedicating to babysitters and spa days! Is it September yet?? 😉

  15. Oh my God, you are living my life! It’s eerie how similar it is. Thanks – I needed this today. My three boys are driving me bonkers this summer. 🙂

  16. Crying because I am laughing so hard. The irony is, this post is precisely what happens to me every time I try to read “I Just Want To Pee Alone”. I got it for Mothers Day and haven’t gotten past the first story because of exactly THIS! Maybe I should stop trying to read when I pee. You may suck at summer, but you excel at making me laugh until I cry!! Thank you!

  17. Thank you for writing this. I am literally half tearing up and half laughing hysterically (the tearing up has nothing to do with the laughing). I have this exact same conversation with my six year old and two year old boys pretty much every day for the entire fifteen or so hours that they are awake. Oh, and did I mention that I am about to give birth to my third son in approximately six weeks, give or take a few? Just discovered your blog and think it may quickly become one of my favorites…in that scary, is she living my life before I get there, sort of way.

    • That “scary, is she living my life before I get there” thing is right where you want to be! You can read me with one eye opened and the other clenched shut in trepidation! Thank you so much for reading!

  18. Oh my goodness! It is like this in my house, too… Only ALL THE TIME because I homeschool! My boys are 7, 4 & 19 mos and it is utter chaos in the summer. At least during the school year we have a bit of a routine. During the summer, though, I’ve instituted “solo time” where everyone has to be quiet in separate rooms for AL LEAST 30 minutes. I don’t care what they do, but they have to do it quietly and separately. It is MAGIC! They emerge in SUCH better shape than they went in.

    • Genius! I have to do the 30 minute solo time! When I put them together, they often end up in a dog pile. Thanks for reading, Nicole!

  19. hahahaha!!!! Awesome! This made me laugh out loud because it is SO real life. Totally relatable. Enjoy the craziness and there is only 5 weeks left until school starts again!

    • 5 weeks I can do. July kills me every year. I feel like I’m in no man’s land. Once August rolls around, I get a spring in my step again. Thank you for reading!

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