Verb: “I don’t want to wear mine raincoat! I want to take off mine shirt!”
Me: “Yes, you do, and no, you don’t.”
Interrogator: “I’m not going to eat breakfast right now. I’m going to play.”
Me: “Yes, you are, and no, you’re not.”
Kenyan: “My legs hurt. And I don’t like my haircut.”
Me: “No they don’t, and yes, you do.”
Waldorf: “Everything hurts. I can’t walk.”
Me: “No it doesn’t, and yes, you can.”
All this in a span of 3 minutes. While herding them to the car to drive to school.
We walk to the car. I open the doors. They pile in.
Me, with exaggerated calm: “Verb, get into your car seat. Verb, turn around and sit properly in your car seat. Verb, hand me your Legos or I will turn you around in your car seat. And I won’t do it gently. Verb, that’s 1. Verb, that’s 2. Verb, that’s..”
A split second before I drop the hammer, he turns around, sits properly and smiles.
3 year old boys aren’t any easier the 4th time around.
Verb: “I love you Mommy. Forever and ever. Ahhhh-men.”
This is his newest thing. After he tells me he loves me, he adds “forever and ever. Amen.” And he draws out the Amen. Most recently, he’s been hitting me with this gem when he’s on the toilet. Right after he requests I wipe him.
It’s not so cute anymore.
I pull out of the driveway. Begin our 14 minute drive to school. I’m lost in thought when the Kenyan interrupts my reverie…
Kenyan: “Mommy, Beauregard’s parents aren’t married.”
Me: “I know.”
Kenyan, eyes wide: “They never were married.”
Me, nodding: “I know.”
Kenyan: “Well, how can they have a baby if they were not married?”
Me: “You don’t have to be married to have a baby.”
Waldorf, resident expert on every topic, chimes in: “Yes, you do.”
Me: “No, you don’t.”
Waldorf: “Yes, you do.”
I’m ignoring Waldorf now.
Kenyan: “I’m never getting married. I don’t want all these kids.”
This is not the first time I’ve heard him say this. In contrast to the Verb’s “forever and ever, Amen”, I find it thoroughly amusing. Every time I hear it. I should probably be insulted, but I’m too amused to be insulted.
Me: “You don’t have to have kids if you’re married.”
Waldorf: “But you do have to be married to have a baby.”
Some days I think he was put on this earth to make my life a living hell challenge me at every turn.
Me: “No, you don’t.”
Kenyan: “How does that work?”
I glance in the mirror. Eight blue eyeballs are trained on me.
I haven’t even had my coffee yet.
Me: “It works in a way that not everyone in this car is ready to hear about. It works in a way that I’m happy to explain to you at home.”
Waldorf: “You do have to be married to have kids.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake…
Me: “You DO NOT. Remember that talk Dad and I had with you about how babies are made?!”
I raise my eyebrows and make what I hope is meaningful eye contact with Waldorf in the rearview mirror. Then I swerve the wheel to compensate for the 6 seconds spent focused on the mirror.
Waldorf, suddenly disgusted, looks away: “Ugh, yes, I don’t really want to talk about that.”
Me: “I don’t either, but that’s what I’m referring to.”
Waldorf: “You mean about the no pants?”
I raise my eyebrows higher, make even more meaningful eye contact, swerve the wheel again.
Me: “Shhhh. Yes.”
Kenyan: “No pants? What the…”
Interrogator: “No pants? Who has no pants?! That’s inappropriate, Mom!”
Me: “Yes, it’s inappropriate.”
Waldorf: “Dad has no pants sometimes.”
Ever the instigator…
Me: “OK, enough, thank you. That’s good.”
Verb, shrieking with disbelief: “Dad has no pants? Interrogator, YOU had no pants last year! Remember, you go’d pee pee on the potty, then you came outside with no pants?” He kicks his bare feet in sheer joy.
Interrogator, laughing, “I remember, that was fun, wasn’t it, Verb? Except it wasn’t last year, it was yesterday. It was fun and funny. But Mom didn’t like it.”
Me: “I remember that you lost dessert for that stunt, Interrogator. Pants are mandatory outside.”
Waldorf: “But not when making babies.”
Angry Eyes in the rearview mirror.
It promises to be
a mind numbing a relaxing 87 Days of Summer