We Do Not Bite Our Friends’ Butts

I often feel like I’m on an island, surrounded by penises. The island part appeals to me because I dig a nice beach. Unfortunately, there is no island. I’m simply surrounded by penises.

“Verb, stay there while I talk to Mommy.”

Oh, shit.

I approach his teacher with caution, “Oh uh. What did he do?”

She frowns, “He bit someone.”

“He WHAT?!”

“He bit someone.”

Oh, Jesus Christ.

His teacher graciously finds the silver lining, “The boy was fine, and the Verb was honest about it.”

Translation: Congratulations. Your kid is a biter, but not a liar.

Me: “Uh, yeah, but he bit someone.”

She throws me a bone, “I figured he was probably tired?”

Me: “He was exhausted. He was up too late last night because B&B was reading to him past his bedtime. Then he and the Interrogator were carrying on in their beds. Then I moved him into our bed. Then I carried him to his bed when I went to sleep. Then he came wandering into our room at 4:30AM. So, yes, he was tired. I’m sorry, I should have warned you this morning.”

She laughs, “Well, tell B&B it’s his fault that the Verb bit someone.”

Yes, of course it’s his fault. I’m glad she sees it too. How dare he keep our child awake reading to him.

Teacher, “He should make an I’m sorry card for the boy he bit.”

Me: “Absolutely. Who was it?”

She reveals his identity.

His parents are really nice. And he’s not the youngest of 4, so they’re not used to these shenanigans. Son of a bitch.

Teacher, “And the principal will probably call you about it tomorrow.”

“Yep.”

Great.

Teacher shaking hands with the Verb: “OK, Verb, thank you for being honest about what you did today. Don’t forget to make your card for your friend, and tomorrow is a new day!”

I gather my flock, and we migrate to the playground. The Verb extracts his dessert from his lunch bag and sits next to me on the bench.

I turn to him, “DUDE?!”

Verb: “Yes, Mom?”

Me: “Does Daddy bite Mommy?”

Verb: “No.”

Me: “Does Mommy bite Daddy?”

Verb: “No.”

Me: “Do we bite our friends?”

Verb: “No.”

Me: “We do not bite people. Neither do you. You put food in your mouth, and nothing else. Understand?”

Verb: “Yes.”

I kiss his sweaty head: “Now, go play.”

He runs off to join the Interrogator.

Wait until I tell B&B about this. This kid morphs into a beast if he doesn’t get enough sleep.

“Mrs. Meyer, can I have a ride home when you leave?”

I look up from the bench to see one of Waldorf’s friends. “Sure, hon. I’ll drive you home.”

There are 3 of them…Waldorf and two buddies. It’s a sticky day…unseasonably warm and humid…so I’ll drive both friends home if necessary.

I look at his other friend: “I’ll drop you off at home too.”

“Thanks!”

Me: “Guys, come here a minute.”

The three of them gather around me.

“The Verb bit someone in school today.”

Six eyeballs grow wide.

Me, nodding, “And he may bring it up when we’re in the car. So I want you guys to reinforce to him that we do not bite people. We use our teeth for chewing food.”

Waldorf: “And gum.”

Waldorf’s buddy: “And spitting.”

Waldorf’s other buddy, “And sometimes for whistling.”

Jesus Christ Almighty.

Me: “Well, yeah, but let’s just stress that we don’t use our teeth for biting. OK?”

“Sure.”

“Hey, Mrs. Meyer, where did he bite the other kid?”

Me, matter-of-factly: “On the butt.”

They’re gone. Immediately on the ground. Grabbing their guts. High fiving. Kicking their feet.

It’s a chorus of voices: “The butt?! He bit somebody’s butt?! That is AWESOME! That’s HILARIOUS! Wow, I thought the Verb was cool before…but now? The Verb is the MAN!”

Me: “Get it all out now, gentlemen. I expect you to keep straight faces in the car. Otherwise, you’ll both be pounding pavement.”

“Sure, Mrs. Meyer…sure…bit his butt?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

The boys spend the next 45 minutes playing tag, climbing trees, scaling sliding boards and jumping from the swings. We manage to drop both of Waldorf’s friends off before the subject of biting arises in the car.

Interrogator: “I didn’t wike my job today.” (Wike=like. The Interrogator struggles with his L sounds.)

Me: “Oh? What was your job?”

Interrogator: “Sponge duty.”

Me: “What do you do when you have sponge duty?”

Interrogator: “You kween up (clean up) people’s messes. I didn’t wike it.”

Oh, I feel you, Interrogator.

Me: “Verb, what was your job?”

Verb: “Not to hit. Or bite. Or call anyone ‘poopypants’.”

Me: “Did you call someone poopypants too?!”

Verb: “No! My job was NOT to call anyone ‘poopypants’.”

Interrogator: “That’s a potty word.”

Verb: “I KNOW! That’s why it’s my job not to say it. Unless I’m in the bathroom. Then I can say poopypants poopypants poopypants!”

Interrogator: “MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! Verb said poopypants 3 times!”

Me: “I heard. Stop with the poopypants, both of you, please.”

Waldorf, unsolicited: “Verb, you know, you shouldn’t bite anyone.”

Oh, joy.

Interrogator: “Huh? Verb, did you bite someone?”

Verb: “Mm hmm. On the butt.”

Interrogator: “What?!”

The Kenyan serenades us from the back seat, “ I’ve got a butt. He’s got a butt. She’s got a butt. We’ve all got butts.”

*Side note…This is a real song. Coincidentally we heard it the very morning of the biting incident. Perhaps the writer of the song bears some of the blame for the Verb’s poor behavior. Just sayin…

Interrogator: “Why would you do that?!”

Verb: “Um, I was tired.”

Interrogator: “But you don’t bite someone on the…”

Waldorf interrupts, “OK, enough, we know, Interrogator!”

The Interrogator yells at Waldorf: “You’re a PU TAO!”

In unison, we ask: “WHAT?”

Interrogator: “I said you’re a PU TAO!”

Waldorf: “Mommy, the Interrogator is calling me something in Chinese.”

Me: “Interrogator, what are you calling him?”

Interrogator: “A grape! Pu tao is grape in Chinese!”

Waldorf: “OK, I am NOT a grape. That’s just ridiculous.”

“PING GUO!”

WTF?

Waldorf: “Oh, God. Enough with the Chinese already!”

Verb: “Yes! I take Chinese too!”

“PING GUO!!!”

Me: “Interrogator, what does Ping guo mean?”

The Interrogator couldn’t be more pleased with himself: “It means apple! In Chinese!”

Waldorf is less than amused: “Yes, we KNOW in Chinese!”

Interrogator, grows serious: “I’ll have to ask my teacher what the word is for ‘butt’ in Chinese. Since the Verb bit someone on his butt.”

Me: “Please refrain from doing that. We do not need to use potty words in Chinese class.”

Interrogator: “Well, he did, Mom. He bit someone’s butt.”

buttout

Kenyan continues serenading, “ I’ve got a butt. You’ve got a butt. He’s got a butt. We’ve all got butts.”

Me: “Enough butt talk. Enough.”

When we finally arrive home, I hide in the powder room and call B&B:

“So, your son bit someone today.”

B&B: “Oh, shit. Which son?”

“The Verb.”

B&B: “Is the other kid OK?”

“Yes.”

B&B: “What happened?”

Me: “Well, he was up too late last night when you were reading to him, remember I told you?”

B&B: “Whoa, wait a minute. You’re not blaming me for this, are you?”

Um…

Me: “No. Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Shhhhh.

Me: “Anyway, he was overly tired and he made a bad choice.”

“Where did he bite the kid?”

Me: “On the butt.”

B&B erupts into laughter.

Me: “It’s not funny.”

B&B: “Come on, it is kinda funny.”

Me: “When it’s somebody else’s kid, it’s funny. Not when it’s our kid.”

I wait for him to stop laughing. And wait.

Me: “So now the principal will be calling us tomorrow.”

B&B: “Why?”

Me: “It’s protocol. The teachers need to report that stuff to cover their asses.”

B&B: “Cover their asses? They better cover their asses! Before the Verb takes a bite out of theirs too!”

Ba-dom-bom.

Oh, and here is the Kenyan’s contribution.

A short comic strip illustrating the biting incident. Artwork by the Kenyan.

So, here I sit. On my island. Surrounded by penises.

Minus the island.   

36 thoughts on “We Do Not Bite Our Friends’ Butts

  1. I feel for you. That sounds like a conversation here. With four boys who prefer to run half naked, I am forever saying, “Put on pants! I don’t want to see any naked butts!”

    For the record, yes, I blame the spouse. It’s his naked butt that started all of this.

    • Meg, sing it, sister. I am constantly telling them not to sit on my furniture when they’re naked below the waist. I know these filthy creatures don’t bathe as regularly as they should. LOL at my husband’s naked butt getting me into this mess!

      BTW, kudos to you…5 kids. And homeschooling some? I bow down to you.

      Thanks for reading!

  2. Oh lord…you crack me up!!! Sorry about the biting though. I have a biter in daycare and when he bites other kids I get so stressed about telling the parent. I would much rather him bite my kid and we could act like it never happened.
    The comic strip is hilarious. he should illustrate all your posts;)

    • Katie, LOL! Yes, bite one of your kids, then no one has to stress! The Verb absolutely loses it when he doesn’t get enough sleep. And he thinks it’s funny. He stops talking and acts like an animal. I hope he outgrows it. Preferably over the 4 day weekend.

      I will pass on your compliments to the Kenyan…I’d love for him to illustrate my posts. He was ROFL as he was drawing that one. Thanks for reading!

  3. LOVE it love it love it. I also love that you happen to post your blog at the exact time that I look over facebook in the morning. It goes so well with my 4th cup of coffee!

    • Ha ha! 4th cup?! I have been writing every day…but have 5 unfinished posts/chapters to show for it. This incident went down yesterday, so I quickly wrote it down before it leaked out of the holes in my memory.

      Thanks for reading!

  4. Loved it – and not just b/c I ran into you yesterday and heard the tale! Particularly enjoyed the preemptive talk with the older guys before the car ride home ;^)

    • Ann, after the Chinese word slinging on the ride home, B&B’s bad joke, and the Kenyan’s illustration, I knew I had to turn this one into a post. Thanks for reading!

  5. Hilarious! Ha ha! I am so sorry he bit another child. I know that’s just awful. But this was a very funny entry! Thanks, Bethany!

    • Luckily, the other boy was fine. And the Verb had a good night’s sleep last night. Hopefully, today is a better day. Thanks for reading!

  6. LMFAO!!! That had me in tears at work, not working, but resting up for my return home this evening to deal with my menagerie! Thanks for the happy tears!!!

    • Thanks, Betsy! I am exhausted by the conversations that occur during the drives to and from school with the kids. But I should record them. They are full of gems. Thanks for reading!

  7. OMG, dying laughing! So sorry for you, the verb and the victim, but hilarious! You just totally brightened my stressful gloomy morning! xo

  8. I sympathize with Verb. I totally felt like biting someone else’s kid yesterday myself while chaperoning a 4th grade field trip! Not on the butt, mind you, but a nice healthy chomp on his fingers would have done much to alleviate my complete frustration at his antics.

    • Haha! The difference is your intended victim probably deserved a bite. The Verb’s victim…cannot say the same. Field trips are exhausting, but the boys usually have their acts together by 4th grade. That’s when it’s fun to chaperone. You must have had a nightmare kid. My condolences.

  9. Thank you for showing me what my future will be like! I (luckily) only have 2 boys, but I often dream of that island when the 2 of them have burping contests at dinner (they’re only 3 1/2 & 5). *sigh* Best of luck to you!

    • Oh, Shawna, they feed off one another. More than one boy in a family is so different from one boy with a girl (or girls). It’s exponentially more gassy. Congrats to you on your hard work…keep it up! Thanks for reading!

  10. Too funny! Totally understand your feelings about the kid who was bit is not the youngest – when my oldest boy was my only I was horrified at the things that happened to him and that he heard at school. Now that my youngest of 3 boys is at school I say a little prayer every day that I won’t receive THAT phone call from school that he said or did something because of something he heard or did with his older brothers.

    • MaryJo, I was the same way with my first! I thought parents of youngest kids who laughed about these “atrocities” were irresponsible! Joke’s on me. My younger sister, when she was two, was having a temper tantrum and bit my Mom on the neck. My Mom immediately bit her back…almost involuntarily because it hurt so much. She said she doesn’t know who was more surprised…she or my sister. But, my sister never bit anyone again. Don’t think I didn’t consider that as a potential option last night. Thanks for reading!

  11. Bethany, this is absolutely hysterical! I read the story (minus the swears & penises) to my 6 year old son and he belly-laughed the whole way through! Life with boys is an adventure!

  12. Hah! I was already laughing but then Kenyan’s comic stole your show. BTW: The island has an emergency dingy–it’s called “pay back,” and the sails are made of dirty laundry. You get to steer it right through the penis’s ocean of respectability when the girlfriends/future wives and grandbabies come. I promise it’ll be a fun ride–memories only get funnier with age and you will all laugh until you cry. 🙂 (My family does.)

    • Dee, the Kenyan is a real character. I fed the kids this am, then left the house to go to their parent/teacher conferences. Came back home to hear a chorus of, “I’m hungry. Where are my sweatpants? Did you go to the Acme? Can we play the Wii now?” I will be laughing…belly laughing…when it’s payback time. Thanks for reading!

  13. I am only surrounded by 3 of those, but I know what you mean. I have not had a laugh this good in a while, thank you!

    I’ve had many interesting “teacher chats” at pick-ups with my boys. Those usually have me wishing for a deserted island to suddenly appear smack in the middle of Manhattan.

    But now I know it can always get better (or funnier, as in your case).

    • It always makes me feel better to hear that my boys aren’t the only ones to exhibit ludicrous behavior. Moms of boys are in the same boat that way. Whenever you feel like your sons are maniacs, talk to another Mom of boys…you’ll realize Yes, they are maniacs, but her sons are too. That makes me feel better at least. Thanks for reading!

  14. OMG…Bethany, you just never know what your posts will be about, but when I saw the title I knew we were in for a good ride…I love the talks you have with the boys, followed by the conversations with B&B. And you just knew he was going to find it funny. How did the card for the victom go? Dear “Friend”, I am very sorry that I bit you. In the butt. I will never bite you again. In the butt. Your friend, The Verb. Kenyan should apply for a job with Hallmark. You never know when another kid may need a card for an occassion like this. And you care to send the very best. Seriously, your posts are so great because we know you just couldn’t make all of this stuff up. Thanks for the laugh.

    • The Kenyan could illustrate those funny e-cards that are all over FB. Glad you liked it, Debbie! The conversations make me feel like I’m losing my mind. But that’s the funny stuff. B&B is unaware of most of the conversations that transpire between me and the boys until he reads them on my blog. Then texts me that he is dying of laughter. This is the only way I’ll remember it. And I’m glad it’s amusing for some of you who read it!

    • Nina, the principal actually got to see the comic…and got a kick out of it! Thank God there are others who appreciate the lunacy in my house…thanks for reading!

    • I heard through the grapevine that the principal saw the Kenyan’s rendering of the incident. And he laughed! Thanks for reading!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *