I am in the war zone during the most intense of the witching hours. Dinner time, and my husband’s still at work. I am tasked with the very challenging one on four zone defense. Playing the part of short order cook while fielding math questions, reviewing spelling words, intercepting flying Lego pieces, refereeing a “he’s looking at me,” vs. “he’s breathing on me,” squabble. I feel a tap on my hip.
Me:“Who’s in my kitchen, and why haven’t you asked to be excused from the table first?”
Random kid: “Here, Mom. I go’d pee.”
Me: (unable to look because I am up to my elbows in soapy dish water washing a mac and cheese pot while simultaneously stretching my right leg to use the toe of my sneaker to pull open the drawer holding cups so someone can have his chocolate milk before his inevitable meltdown.) “Where did you go pee?”
Random: “Here, Mom, I’m giving it to you. Right here!”
Me: (I turn to find my 3 year old son with his pants around his ankles, handing me a water bottle ½ filled with a warm, yellow liquid.) “Thanks, bud. Good job getting it all into the bottle. You have great aim. “
He smiles proudly, gives me a thumbs up, then toddles back to the dinner table with said pants still around his ankles.
This is my life.
I am a Mom. 4 times over. I am a Mom to 4 healthy, busy, noisy, smelly, happy boys. I am exhausted by the enormity of it all. Every day. Simultaneously meeting the needs of 4 kids whose ages span 7 years is impossible. Particularly when they are all equipped with penises, because the stupid factor increases exponentially.
Parenthood surprised me. This stuff is NO JOKE. It is rewarding as well but, overwhelmingly, it’s always-changing, never-ending work. If we do it right, eventually our kids will grow up to be happy, considerate, hard-working, contributing members to society. Who no longer reside under our roof.
I love my kids. They are a pain in my ass. And they say and do ludicrous things more often than I like to admit. It’s rarely funny while it’s occurring; but, telling the story back, I am able to recognize and appreciate the funny in it. This is the good stuff that I don’t want to forget. And I will forget it, if I don’t write it down. Which is why I picked this little section of the internet to tell my stories. I hope, if you’re reading it, that you laugh too.
Bethany Meyer, Writer
Represented by Alice Tasman, Literary Agent, JVNLA http://www.jvnla.com/
You can read me on The Huffington Post.
I am a contributor to the best-selling Amazon humor anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone.