My Peccadilloes

(in no particular order)

  1. I am obsessed with my local grocery store. For some reason I call it “The Acme”. My friend pointed out to me that I don’t call Target “The Target”, yet I call Acme “The Acme”. I have no idea why I do this, but I guess it’s my way of paying my Acme the respect it deserves.
  2. I am a fanatical list maker. Maybe I get a sense of empowerment by crossing things off once they’re complete. Say I have 6 things on my list, but “clean the toilet” is not among them. If I happen to clean the toilet (which clearly needs it 4 times/day living with these 5 pigs), I will run to my list, add “clean the toilet” and immediately cross it off. I am typically wearing a big, dopey, toothy grin while doing this.
  3. I love spelling and grammar. If a friend asks me to proofread something, my heart skips a beat in excitement as though Brad Pitt just entered the room and is walking straight towards me. If I didn’t win my grade school spelling B’s, I came in 2nd place behind Tina. Tina is now an MD, and somehow, I am a housewife. But we are both wicked spellers.
  4. I always thought I would have 3 kids. I am still overwhelmed with the work/energy/organization/PATIENCE it takes to raise 4. For us, it’s a shitload of kids.
  5. When someone sends me a text in all caps, I always reply, “Why are you screaming at me?!” And I always laugh as I send it. It never gets old.
  6. I would like to kiss Mark Zuckerberg square on the lips for inventing Facebook. I’ve never been good at staying in touch with people, and Facebook has enabled me to change that. It’s a hoot to reconnect with old friends and people who were barely even acquaintances in the past. Two of my closest friends today are girls I reconnected with on Facebook. XO, Mark.
  7. I love Howard Stern. I think he’s hilarious. I think he’s smart. I think he’s current. I appreciate his self-deprecating sense of humor.  I’m not an enormous fan of the Butt Bongo days or the World’s Biggest Whore contest, but his storytelling skills leave me spellbound. And his impression of his Mom is my all-time favorite. Especially when he uses the megaphone.
  8. The Harry Potter Series of books is life changing, and it should be required reading for every human being. That’s my unsolicited opinion. B&B read the books as soon as they came out, and I called him a nerd and a geek. I laughed and pointed at him. Imagine my surprise when I finally picked them up to discover the genius of Jo Rowling. Waldorf and the Kenyan have both read the series. Reading those books with them (or racing Waldorf while we read them independently) was one of those awesome parenting moments when you realize your offspring is an actual human being and not just a small clone of yourself placed on this earth to suck the life out of you.
  9. I wasn’t born a runner, but I’ve become one as an adult. Exercise, running especially, brings me balance. I would definitely be filling a monthly script for something at the pharmacy was it not for exercise. Some days I could probably use a little somethin-somethin anyway. Knock knock, wine, it’s me again.
  10. Running has changed my life enough that I was inspired to write an article and email it to Runner’s World in the hopes (um, with the expectation) they would print it. That was a little under 3 years ago, and I’m still waiting for their reply. I am patient, but not hopeful. Actually, I am furious with those sons of bitches that they didn’t know a good thing when it crossed their desks. I cancelled our subscription in anger. I ran the 2nd half of the 2009 Philly Marathon with a friend as a show of support. As we ran through Manayunk, I spied the editor of RW watching the race. I ran past him and screamed, “Hey! Runner’s World, right?” He smiled and called out, “Yeah!” I said, “You assholes should have printed my article!” Classy, I know. I’ve since renewed our subscription. RW rocks. Go, Dimity and SBS!
  11. I married an atheist. B&B told me this about himself very early on after meeting me, but I was young and had been raised Catholic; therefore, I believed that everyone hearted JC. After years of dating, our engagement, his going through RCIA so we could marry in the church (very important to my Dad), and the birth of Waldorf, I still thought he was pulling my leg. Nope, atheist.
  12.  I tell my kids they are allowed to curse out loud once they start driving. There are certain things that happen on the road that warrant use of the word “jackass”.
  13. Drive right, pass left, you jackass! See?
  14. I am a very calm parent. It helps keep the kids calm when we are taking them to the hospital for stitches, which is not an uncommon occurrence.  It helps keep my husband calm when he, sober, sleds into a tree in front of the kids and needs driving to the hospital. True story. Don’t be surprised to read about it in more detail at some point.
  15. I prefer not to be around negative people. Venting is something everyone needs to do at times. Negative energy is an entirely different animal. I prefer positive. Or sarcasm. I use sarcasm, particularly in my writing, but it’s intended to amuse.
  16. I hate jokes. Knock knock, riddles, all of them. I feel pressure to give a heartfelt laugh after the punchline. So, instead of listening to the joke, I am preoccupied with make it a good laugh…not overly enthusiastic, but just enough…I haven’t won any Oscars for my performance, and I’ve yet to hear a joke that made me belly laugh.
  17.  I gained between 50 and 60 lbs. with each of my 4 pregnancies. There is something very wrong about a girl who’s 5’5” being one order of fries short of weighing 200 big ones. After every birth, I (slowly and very painfully) clawed my way back into something that vaguely resembles my pre-pregnancy body. Gone are the bodacious tatas (I miss you, girls).  And my belly button region closely resembles a crime scene. But I am strong and fit. And I can still run faster and farther than my kids. Not for long, I know, but I continue to rub their noses in it for now. You got your ass beat by a girl! Worse, by an old lady!! Ha-ha!! Woohoo! Ha-ha! That’s my inner monologue.
  18. If my body is my temple, then my minivan is my dirty little secret. The cheerios, Cheetos, french fries, raisins, granola bars, crackers, bagels and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that litter the floor could sustain my town’s ant population for the next 75 years. A squirrel lived in my car last year. For several days. Comfortably. And I carted his nasty vermin ass back and forth to my kids’ school without realizing it.
  19. I love to cook, and I am finally getting fairly good at it. When we got married, I could make scrambled eggs and French toast. B&B will try something I’ve made and say, “This is no joke!” I beam with pride. When I feed my no joke food to my kids, they bitch, moan and one of them gags until he pukes. Kids ruin everything.
  20. The only cure for a hangover is McDonald’s French fries. I know they are poison. That’s why I don’t get drunk often.
  21. When a friend is down, I encourage her to squeeze in some exercise. Never underestimate the power of the body’s endorphins. My husband’s advice? A bowl of raisin bran. Never underestimate the power of a regular bowel movement.
  22. I tell my sons that all females are crazy. Because it’s true. We broads just have different degrees of crazy. When the mood hits, I even display for them what crazy looks like. Just so they are able to recognize and avoid it later in life. These are the lengths I go to for my children.
  23. Bob Harper is my gay crush.
  24. For the past decade, I have done an outstanding job of cursing minimally in front of my kids. Like once every 6 months. I feel myself slipping. The dam is about to burst. This is bad, because I still have a 3 year old. I think it’s just safest to apologize in advance to the parents of all of his friends.

27 thoughts on “My Peccadilloes

  1. Well done! I know we are only facebook friends in our grown up life but you should know you are the reason I am on Facebook, you ALWAYS make me laugh out loud. I have 2 little guys of my own and I find your situations familiar and funny (since they are not happening to me).

  2. So glad to have been turned on to your blog! It’s truly honest and absolutely hilarious. Love it (and as an English teacher, I live your obsession with proper grammar and spelling too). Great job!

    • Thanks, Kirstin! I had to point out to B&B tonight that, while I love and obsess over grammar, I will not be writing this blog according to the hard/fast rules that Sr. Christi taught us. These are the mutterings of a crazy person, clearly! Although I will do my best never to end a sentence with a preposition.

  3. Bethany!!!! Oh my gosh – I am DELIGHTED that you are finally blogging. You are one of the funniest people I know and I have been reading your Facebook posts to friends for AGES. We all sitting laughing hysterically while peeing our pants! Hooray for you!!!!!

    • Angie!!!! My old friend! Thank you so much for reading! Hope your crowd is well, and I will do my best to keep the humor coming! XO

  4. This. Is. Fantastic. I can relate on so many levels being a mom of a boy, a runner, and a writer. I felt like I was reading Calvin and Hobbes, but from the Mom’s perspective, which is awesome. I’m so excited to have found you and I will definitely be following your blog!

    • Nicole, so glad you can relate…running keeps me happy on so many levels. It keeps me sharp enough to write, fit enough to keep up with the kids, and balanced enough to maintain a sense of humor about the things they do that might otherwise send me into a tailspin. Thanks so much for reading!

  5. So glad to find your blog! SO, so funny and so like my life. I have two boys (4 and 8) and a husband and sometimes I feel like I live in a frat house with all the mess everywhere. Boys are hard on everything especially our hearts….wouldn’t trade them for all the girls in the world!! :):)

    • “Boys are hard on everything especially our hearts.” Susan, you’re absolutely right! And the frat house comment…I was just at the shore for an annual Moms weekend with a few friends. It was terrific. I was gone for 36 hours. In the meantime, the house looks like a battleground. I’m quietly assessing the damage. My husband asked, “Why are you so quiet this morning?” Gee, I’m just calculating how long it will take me to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

      Thanks so much for reading! I’m glad you can relate…it makes the chaos less stressful when you realize that your boys are doing what everyone else’s boys are doing…so maybe we’re not so crazy afterall:)

  6. LOL. I gained the same amount of weight with each of my kids. I think you gain what you are supposed to gain. At least, that was what I told myself. And then the breastfeeding sucked the life out of me after, so it was OK.

    From reading this list, I see we have a lot in common. Lists, for one. I don’t like to be around negative people either, though I find my own blog to be uber sarcastic. In real life, I’m generally a happy person. I hate riddles too. I do however, swear WAY to damn much in front of my children and elsewhere, but they are seventeen, nineteen, and twenty, so they’ve heard it all before.

    As for having four kids, I probably would have, if my husband hadn’t run to get snipped right after our daughter popped out. But now, I’m sort of glad I didn’t. You are right – four is a shitload of kids, for anybody. I have a few friends with five – who home school no less – and I think they are absolute lunatics. The one lady buried her placenta in her backyard, so she sort of is.

    Anyway, it’s good to meet you.

    • Oh, Fern, you and I will be friends. You had me at calling someone crazy who “buried the placenta in the backyard”. I second that.

      I’m the same way in person…less sarcastic, more positive. My writing is definitely sarcastic. Also sometimes more sentimental than I get in person. Funny how we express ourselves differently through writing. I feel like I express myself best in my writing. That I’m my most authentic.

      Four kids is ridic. I’m on crowd control. It’s so hard to connect with every one of them individually as often as I’d like and as frequently as they need. Plus, the penis factor makes it even more challenging because not all of them are talkers like girls typically are. I don’t know WTF is going on some days. I know if they’ve eaten and bathed and whether their homework is done. I hope I’m not screwing it up too much. Fingers crossed, baby.

  7. OMG, you are my soul mate, my kindred spirit, my best friend! Just a better writer and of course funnier! All I can say is, yes! Everything you write- YES! Thank you and keep posting!

  8. I have 5 boys ranging from 10 to 3 and I stay home with them. I read your entire blog in a day and laughed harder than I have in a LONG time, thank you thank you thank you!

    • Kim, thank you for reading!!! Ahhhhh, 5 boys! You are a saint! And I know you can relate to the shenanigans that take place under my roof.

  9. I stumbled upon your blog while on Facebook (The Happiest Home provided the link to the Tale of Two Moms post) and I am so happy I clicked on it! Although I do not have any boys (two girls so far…still going back and forth on deciding if that’s it or try for the 3rd girl/elusive boy that my husband won’t admit to wanting but secretly does). I would love to get back in shape by running. My youngest is three months old and I want to be fit again. Your writing is amazing and hilarious! I was snickering so much that my husband finally came over to see what I was reading and chuckled too! I may not understand the zoo that you’re running, but I feel like your sarcastic wit matches mine. I try to be a positive person in real life, but it’s nice to have an outlet. I look forward to many more posts! Thank you for blogging!

    • This is awesome! Thank you so much! My unsolicited advice is go for the 3rd! I remember when my husband scheduled his vasectomy, and around that time several of my Mom’s friends told me their biggest regret was that they hadn’t had more kids. I was kinda on the fence about having a 4th. I threw up in the grocery store 2 weeks before that vasectomy, and I knew I was pregnant with our youngest. Naturally, I went batshit hormonal and insisted my husband cancel his procedure. That 4th little boy will be 5 next month, and he is what dreams are made of.

      I would be rocking in a corner with tears rolling down my face on a daily basis were it not for sarcasm. True story.

  10. LOVE LOVE LOVE!! Can we be best friends??? (Of course I don’t have time for that lol!!) I have 3 boys (almost 9, 6 and 2 1/2) and currently birth controlless in hopes for a fourth boy- seriously think I’ll pray for 4th boy- I don’t want to throw a girl into the craziness but we’ll see! How do I find you on facebook? I found your recent blog thru Allison Slater Tate- who I also want to be BFF with!

    • Allison is my homegirl!! We have mad text love for each other. Thank you for reading! Our 4th boy gave the other 3 boys such great balance…it threw mine off in a way I never expected, but it has been amazing for our family. And if you have a girl, Allison will tell you all about that magic. Thank you for reading!!

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